I originally posted this on a friend’s site; Desire.Guru
My love life looks like some sort congressional session; Constant debating and disagreeing. And if I do somehow achieve to get all the parts of my mind plus my body in agreement, some piece has to jump up and say, “Oh yeah, I also need to make this point!…”
Incongruency. The story of my internal life.
What is going on here? Let’s cover some basic biology before we go further. Our nervous system is an amazing piece of our biological human machine. Our nerves stretch all throughout our body creating separate systems called the central system, peripheral nervous system, autonomic system, parasympathetic system, somatic system, enteric system, and collections of nerves in the rest of our body.
More of interest to me in this moment are the pelvic splanchnic nerves. A set of nerves in the various parts of our pelvis like our labia, clitoris, perineum, vagina and anus. these nerves travel up through the spine directly to the brain.
Our automatic nervous system is responsible for our bodies involuntary responses in either heightened states (sympathetic system) or relaxed states (parasympathetic system).
Our pelvic splanchnic nerve system is a part of the parasympathetic nervous system. Remember: that system is responsible for our bodies responses to states of rest. The other division of the automatic nervous system is the sympathetic nervous system and that system that takes energy from our parasympathetic system in order to prepare the body for flight or fight.
Think about this, the stimulus receptors that exist in our sex organs are connected to the same system that allows the body to function in a state of rest. The energy our body dedicates to these nerves is pulled away when we go into a state of unrest… vigilance. The external feelings could be something like, uncertainty, anxiety, unpredictability, and on and on.
This leads me to ask, what would sex look like if our minds were put into a place of total peace? With nothing to think about, nothing to worry over, having a trusted lover and a trusted space.
What then, would our bodies feel? What would our sex organs send to our brains and how would that brain at peace respond?
When our environment isn’t 100% secure or when we are thinking about our obligations for the day, or if the lover we’ve chosen has no clue what he is doing when he’s doing ‘his best’ to get us in the mood, what are these factors doing to our sensation?
Could we feel more? Could we go into an unconscious state, blissed, ecstasy, transcendence? Absolutely we can! But this happens so rarely for us.
How can we achieve this? More of this? We deserve great sex but as much as I hate saying this, we are going to have to make that happen ourselves. We as women are the ones that are going to have to secure our environment, surrender into our bodies and find a lover to trust that he knows what he is doing.
This isn’t about ignoring what triggers us. It’s about altering the factors that we know will set off our sympathetic nervous system. This goes deep to say we must control the external factors in order to control our internal biological process.
And then, what will we feel? What will sex be like?
I imagine when sex involves full surrender and full parasympathetic activation, glorious neurotransmitters can come out to play. those same neurotransmitters that are released during psychedelic dosing, or when we dance and lose ourselves. Or even for example, we find a sexy large viking man to ravish us in blood red satin sheets, blue and green lights crashing into the mirrored disco ball spinning above and Massive Attack playing in the background. Mmmm, yes please some of that.
Our poor starving bodies are unconsciously wanting this surrender. We want sex that is mind-blowing and we keep seeking in out in unsatisfying ways, over and over again thinking that if we play the odds, inevitably we will get what we want. Or, sadly, some of us simply give up on finding this passionate sex.
My past life was a lot like this. Always on the hunt for someone to impress me. Someone who could handle my immense desire for connected, blissed-out sex. Deep inside myself I knew I was looking for it in the wrong ways but I could never admit that and let that knowledge come to the surface of my consciousness. So, in response to the impending disappointment, I resorted to drinking away my expectations. Who the hell can live up to that self-defeating practice?
Now, in my awakened state at age 33, I find it still a challenge to get this desire fulfilled.
What am I missing? Well, go back to what I discussed earlier about our ultra sexy nervous system. That vigilance that overrides my pleasure center.
I am my own obstacle. I stand in my own way of great sex. I lay there underneath my lover thinking to myself, “what the fuck would feel good to me? What do I want? Do I want him to eat my pussy? Do I want do be on top? Shit, I forgot to call my mother. Damn, I bet he thinks I’m boring. Maybe i should moan more. I wish I had turned some music on”….
What has happened in this scenario? What is the core of all of these thoughts? The core is, I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. The even deeper reality is, I went completely into autopilot without considering what I need and want as a woman. I gave no consideration to my own desires. And without this awareness, I put myself into a situation where nothing could be right for me and my pleasure. How can I feel good and secure and excited, when I don’t even know what I want?
My passion and excitement are non-existent because I’m too damn worried about anything and everything else except for falling into surrender.
Does it turn me on to have music? Does it turn me on to ask for a certain position? What turns me on? What feels good? In the beginning, how the fuck do I even know the answer to ‘what do I want?
Try it! Experiment with asking for what you want. What does this look like? OK, good question. When you think of what turns you on, are you willing to ask for it? Or, are you ashamed? Do you think it’s too much or that it’ll turn your lover off?
I have 1 very simple response to this: Don’t give a shit! This life is about you, so let’s live like it is and if your lover is right for you, they will respect you all the way.
So, again, I ask, what turns you on? Think about it. Then get up, and do it. Lay out your sexy lingerie, turn on your favorite Pandora station. Grab your favorite toy. And above all the fluff, come to terms with what sex you really fucking want and EXACTLY what is going to make you feel good.
Then, I want you to relay this to your lover; “I need you right now. I want to surrender into you. Where ever you go, whatever you do to me, I want to surrender into it. I want you to take your time and I want you to read my body. Read the responses my body says to you. Give me your full attention. I want you to let go of everything else but, most importantly, don’t let go of me in this moment.”
Bear in mind, we are traipsing into unknown territory. It’s gonna be messy and sometimes disappointing BUT… now you are equipped with the steps to getting through the shit and on to the other side of what we are all seeking; blissed out, remarkable, connected, immersive, conscious, mind-blowing sex.
This is our lesson. Life is our experiment, and people are our subjects to experiment on until we get it right. And our lovers wont have any problem being our guinea pigs.
I’ll say this every time you hear from me: Self-love. We are on a path to self-love and this will take us to exactly the place we want to be.
our sexuality in the raw 