Sex Education in American schools. Is it to educate or to oppress?

Originally posted on Desire.Guru

 

Sex education in America can be linked to the origin of many personal and social problems. People cannot make informed decisions about their sexual health when they are taught biased and incomplete information at the developmental stage of childhood. Current sex education is the foundation on which young Americans develop their understanding of life and human interactions. Without clarity, people will encounter incredible conflict in personal and social wellbeing.

I stress the argument that America needs to reevaluate their sex education programs in schools and adopt a nationally mandated policy on comprehensive sex education.

Currently, the Federal Government funds over $168 million per year to states for an abstinence-only program taught in school. Abstinence-only programs are designed to promote the belief that sexual behavior is only morally appropriate in marriage. It creates fear in children that premarital sexual behavior is socially unacceptable and will lead to harmful consequences.

Abstinence-only programs do not prevent adolescent sexual behavior; instead, they deny students access to accurate information. Further, statistics show no evidence that these programs are in any way beneficial.

Here are some facts on sexual health education requirements: “[…] 37 states require that information on abstinence be provided and only 18 states require that information on contraception be provided. 26 states and the District of Columbia require the provision of information about skills for healthy sexuality (including avoiding coerced sex), healthy decision making and family communication. 20 states and the District of Columbia require that sex education include information about skills for avoiding coerced sex. 11 states require that sex education include instruction on how to talk to family members, especially parents, about sex.” (Guttmacher Institute. Sex and HIV Education. 2015. http://www.guttmacher.org)

The inconsistency of education on a national level is certainly startling, but even statewide the specific content is unregulated. Schools create content to meet federal requirements as well as any state requirements. However, the specific content is created locally. This leads to local organizations implementing any agendas they might have into the school system, resulting in unregulated enforcement of subjective beliefs. Below are two examples of the education taught to children under these codes:

“abstinence from sexual intercourse is the only completely effective protection against unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) when transmitted sexually; and the harmful consequences to the child, the child’s parents and society that bearing children out of wedlock is likely to produce, including the health, educational, financial, and other difficulties the child and his or her parents are likely to face, as well as the inappropriateness of the social and economic burden placed on others”  (SIECUS State Profiles Fiscal Year 2011. http://www.siecus.org).

This curriculum relies on messages of fear and shame, and includes biased information. For example, students are asked to brainstorm the “emotional consequences” of premarital sex. Suggested answers include “guilt, feeling scared, ruined relationships, broken emotional bonds.” [Bruce Cook, Choosing the Best. Marietta, GA: Choosing the Best, Inc., 2001-2007].

Abstinence-only programs do not address basic biological realities, nor do they consider the cultural and intellectual diversity of Americans. Sex is a biological function, a basic human right, and an inevitability. However, the American school system does not teach this reality and the intense pressure from conservative groups keep children uneducated about it.

The other option would be to teach children about the realities of biology and society in a comprehensive program with the goal to create critically thinking adults who can make educated decisions themselves. People deserve the right over their own body and an imposed abstinence-only program prevents the dissemination of accurate information. An abstinence-only curriculum is insufficient and leaves young adults unprepared for the realities they encounter on a daily basis. Scaring and shaming children strips away their ability to make educated sexual health decisions now and in adulthood.

Abstinence-only programs prevent healthy sexual identities. Research conducted in 2007 shows that they do not reduce the high rates of teen pregnancy, high rates of STDs, nor the American teen’s tendency toward a the high number of sexual partners. (Christopher Trenholm, et. al., “Impacts of Four Title V, Section 510 Abstinence Education Programs: Final Report,” [Trenton, NJ: Mathematica Policy Research, Inc., April 2007], accessed 6 September 2007, <www.mathematica-mpr.com/publications/pdfs/impactabstinence.pdf>).

In fact, the irony of this program is that in the states that stress abstinence-only they also rank the highest among teen pregnancy (U.S. Teenage Pregnancies, Births, and Abortions: National and State Trends and Trends by Race and Ethnicity, (Washington, DC: Guttmacher Institute, January 2010), accessed 5 March 2010, <http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/USTPtrends.pdf&gt;, Table 3.1).

The lack of education children receive can also lead to sexual repression throughout life. Children reach puberty and a rush of hormones lead them to be interested in exactly what the school system has taught them to be harmful, shameful, and most of all, wrong. Kids faced with such dilemmas and no one to talk to are set up for failure down the road. Without clear understanding of what is happening to their bodies and with fear of persecution from society, children will most likely make poor choices.

Rarely do children learn how to communicate about sex. There is no open dialogue with parents or teachers. Further, young adults have not received any education on how to discuss sex with potential partners. In fact, respect and sexual health are rarely addressed in educational institutions or at home. This combination of factors has the potential to lead to aggressive attitudes, prejudices and shaming when it comes to sexual behavior.

The current sexual education program instills sex shaming, especially towards the female sex. Sex shaming refers to the belief that thinking of ourselves as sexual beings is wrong and something we should be ashamed of. Young girls are especially affected by sex shaming. Girls who wait till marriage are put on pedestals and those who do not are a disgrace. Drug addiction, alcoholism, poverty and unemployment, addiction to sex, and solitude are the horror stories that abstinence-only programs teach children [Meaning the programs teach children that those are the consequences of having sex?]. Even though none of these supposed consequences have anything to do with sex, the program somehow links them together to instill fear into students.

Without proper education, this mentality continues throughout childhood and into early adulthood. Women feel ashamed of any desires they possess, while men are constantly scorned for their desires. It is no wonder that men and women both suffer from so much depression and anxiety since they are shamed their entire lives for a basic biological function.

In addition, these programs lead to maladaptive behavior that carries over into adult life and not only affects the individual but can potentially cause harm to others. Sigmund Freud understood that sexual repression leads to anxiety: internal anxiety (neurotic), moral anxiety, and realistic anxiety. These anxieties lead to defense mechanisms to protect the self from such anxieties. But, if the source of the anxiety (sex and/or aggression) isn’t cared for, these defense mechanisms can lead to mental illnesses (neuroses).

Children who have grown up with sexual repression become adults who struggle for sexual identity. The simple act of communicating with another person about sex becomes nearly impossible. Unfortunately, this can result in a sexually dysfunctional life, confusion, and for some, aggressive or harmful outbursts towards others. If people are not taught about consent, respect, and autonomy in the face of their own biological urges, they cannot make acceptable and healthy decisions.[Make statements, don’t ask (rhetorical) questions, when constructing an argument.]

Young adults learn about sex through unrealistic depictions in media and marketing. Both show sex in exaggerated terms and set unrealistic expectations for adolescent boys and girls, especially as they now have to build on the misconstrued idea about sex they were given in school. A childhood of sexual repression and shame now becomes life over-sexualized.

We live in a culture of fantasy, where idealism is taught in schools and the polar opposite is pumped into us by big companies leeching onto our sexual anxiety and repression.

The media becomes society’s new teacher but with very different ideals. From this, people begin to form their understanding of the reality in very unrealistic ways.

America can take insight from countries leading in sexual health ratings to create a realistic sexual health program for schools. The problem in America is that curriculum is eventually set by a local system whereas, in other countries, sex education is nationally mandated. Many countries like the Netherlands, Sweden, Australia, France, and Germany provide comprehensive education in their schools and implement public programs to promote sexual health so all can make informed realistic decisions.

For example, the Dutch ‘Long Live Love’ comprehensive sex education program teaches topics like physical and emotional sexual development, safe sex, communication techniques, personal values, asking for help, boundaries, and decision making. It also teaches about masturbation, homosexuality, and sexual pleasure as natural experiences of sexuality. Statistics report the Netherlands as having one of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in the world (The World’s Women reports. 2005. http://unstats.un.org).

In conclusion, America needs to reevaluate their sex education programs in schools since most states teach variations of a government funded abstinence-only program. Abstinence-only programs do not address basic biological realities, nor do they consider the cultural and intellectual diversity of Americans. Instead, this type of education leads sexual repression, sex shaming and maladaptive behavior. In turn, people learn about sex through the unrealistic depictions of media and marketing. America can take insight from countries leading in sexual health ratings to create a realistic sexual health program for schools.

If someone asks you if you think they are addicted to something, what are the criteria you would consider?

I’m answering this question through self-examination.

Mostly, I’d consider the negative impact, if any, the ‘addiction’ has had on her life. And has she continued use despite knowing it will cause immediate consequence. Everything has the potential for negative consequence. If I spend too much time at the bar with my crazy drinking buddies and wake up several nights out of the month with a hangover and call in to my hair appointment or avoid the gym, that doesn’t make me an alcoholic. Neither does regular promiscuous sex make someone a nymphomaniac.

The consequences, in my opinion, must meet 2 criteria: 1) the consequences have some serious effects on that persons life and 2) the action goes against the persons own ethics/morality. And against their better judgement.

For example: repeatedly failing at responsibilities that are integral to that persons life specifically. School, being a husband, being a father, health etc. because of the choice to ‘use’ over living up to responsibility.

The determination of addiction in different people can be a bit subjective, but if a person truly wants to change yet goes against this desire by using, then its a clear cut case of addiction.

How your ANS may be running your sex life

I originally posted this on a friend’s site; Desire.Guru

My love life looks like some sort congressional session; Constant debating and disagreeing. And if I do somehow achieve to get all the parts of my mind plus my body in agreement, some piece has to jump up and say, “Oh yeah, I also need to make this point!…”

Incongruency. The story of my internal life.

What is going on here? Let’s cover some basic biology before we go further. Our nervous system is an amazing piece of our biological human machine. Our nerves stretch all throughout our body creating separate systems called the central system, peripheral nervous system, autonomic system, parasympathetic system, somatic system, enteric system, and collections of nerves in the rest of our body.

More of interest to me in this moment are the pelvic splanchnic nerves. A set of nerves in the various parts of our pelvis like our labia, clitoris, perineum, vagina and anus. these nerves travel up through the spine directly to the brain.

Our automatic nervous system is responsible for our bodies involuntary responses in either heightened states (sympathetic system) or relaxed states (parasympathetic system).

Our pelvic splanchnic nerve system is a part of the parasympathetic nervous system. Remember: that system is responsible for our bodies responses to states of rest. The other division of the automatic nervous system is the sympathetic nervous system and that system that takes energy from our parasympathetic system in order to prepare the body for flight or fight.

Think about this, the stimulus receptors that exist in our sex organs are connected to the same system that allows the body to function in a state of rest. The energy our body dedicates to these nerves is pulled away when we go into a state of unrest… vigilance. The external feelings could be something like, uncertainty, anxiety, unpredictability, and on and on.

This leads me to ask, what would sex look like if our minds were put into a place of total peace? With nothing to think about, nothing to worry over, having a trusted lover and a trusted space.

What then, would our bodies feel? What would our sex organs send to our brains and how would that brain at peace respond?

When our environment isn’t 100% secure or when we are thinking about our obligations for the day, or if the lover we’ve chosen has no clue what he is doing when he’s doing ‘his best’ to get us in the mood, what are these factors doing to our sensation?

Could we feel more? Could we go into an unconscious state, blissed, ecstasy, transcendence? Absolutely we can! But this happens so rarely for us.

How can we achieve this? More of this? We deserve great sex but as much as I hate saying this, we are going to have to make that happen ourselves. We as women are the ones that are going to have to secure our environment, surrender into our bodies and find a lover to trust that he knows what he is doing.

This isn’t about ignoring what triggers us. It’s about altering the factors that we know will set off our sympathetic nervous system. This goes deep to say we must control the external factors in order to control our internal biological process.

And then, what will we feel? What will sex be like?

I imagine when sex involves full surrender and full parasympathetic activation, glorious neurotransmitters can come out to play. those same neurotransmitters that are released during psychedelic dosing, or when we dance and lose ourselves. Or even for example, we find a sexy large viking man to ravish us in blood red satin sheets, blue and green lights crashing into the mirrored disco ball spinning above and Massive Attack playing in the background. Mmmm, yes please some of that.

Our poor starving bodies are unconsciously wanting this surrender. We want sex that is mind-blowing and we keep seeking in out in unsatisfying ways, over and over again thinking that if we play the odds, inevitably we will get what we want. Or, sadly, some of us simply give up on finding this passionate sex.

My past life was a lot like this. Always on the hunt for someone to impress me. Someone who could handle my immense desire for connected, blissed-out sex. Deep inside myself I knew I was looking for it in the wrong ways but I could never admit that and let that knowledge come to the surface of my consciousness. So, in response to the impending disappointment, I resorted to drinking away my expectations. Who the hell can live up to that self-defeating practice?

Now, in my awakened state at age 33, I find it still a challenge to get this desire fulfilled.

What am I missing? Well, go back to what I discussed earlier about our ultra sexy nervous system. That vigilance that overrides my pleasure center.

I am my own obstacle. I stand in my own way of great sex. I lay there underneath my lover thinking to myself, “what the fuck would feel good to me? What do I want? Do I want him to eat my pussy? Do I want do be on top? Shit, I forgot to call my mother. Damn, I bet he thinks I’m boring. Maybe i should moan more. I wish I had turned some music on”….

What has happened in this scenario? What is the core of all of these thoughts? The core is, I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. The even deeper reality is, I went completely into autopilot without considering what I need and want as a woman. I gave no consideration to my own desires. And without this awareness, I put myself into a situation where nothing could be right for me and my pleasure. How can I feel good and secure and excited, when I don’t even know what I want?

My passion and excitement are non-existent because I’m too damn worried about anything and everything else except for falling into surrender.

Does it turn me on to have music? Does it turn me on to ask for a certain position? What turns me on? What feels good? In the beginning, how the fuck do I even know the answer to ‘what do I want?

Try it! Experiment with asking for what you want. What does this look like? OK, good question. When you think of what turns you on, are you willing to ask for it? Or, are you ashamed? Do you think it’s too much or that it’ll turn your lover off?

I have 1 very simple response to this: Don’t give a shit! This life is about you, so let’s live like it is and if your lover is right for you, they will respect you all the way.

So, again, I ask, what turns you on? Think about it. Then get up, and do it. Lay out your sexy lingerie, turn on your favorite Pandora station. Grab your favorite toy. And above all the fluff, come to terms with what sex you really fucking want and EXACTLY what is going to make you feel good.

Then, I want you to relay this to your lover; “I need you right now. I want to surrender into you. Where ever you go, whatever you do to me, I want to surrender into it. I want you to take your time and I want you to read my body. Read the responses my body says to you. Give me your full attention. I want you to let go of everything else but, most importantly, don’t let go of me in this moment.”

Bear in mind, we are traipsing into unknown territory. It’s gonna be messy and sometimes disappointing BUT… now you are equipped with the steps to getting through the shit and on to the other side of what we are all seeking; blissed out, remarkable, connected, immersive, conscious, mind-blowing sex.

This is our lesson. Life is our experiment, and people are our subjects to experiment on until we get it right. And our lovers wont have any problem being our guinea pigs.

I’ll say this every time you hear from me: Self-love. We are on a path to self-love and this will take us to exactly the place we want to be.

Lastnight I learned the value of professional boudoir photography.

I have never had my photos taken by a professional. Well, that’s not entirely true. Back in 2009, a burgeoning pro-photographer offered to do a few headshots and bikini shots for me while I was living in Las Vegas. I was still in my 20’s back then. A long. Time. Ago.

I’ve always been a bit camera shy when it comes to serious and or sexy. I’ve never really been able to take those 2 categories… seriously. Any amateur attempt a friend would make at photographing me inevitably would end up with me making some goofy face or turning it into some sort of indie “nobody is gonna want to see these pics” project.

As women we are constantly concerned about our self-image, right?

Ok, I’ll be vulnerable here and say I AM always concerned about my self image. And it rules EVERYTHING!! I never really knew just how deeply this nasty little voice of mine infiltrated my whole life.

The nagging voice of negative self-image. I would wake up in the mornings, and some days I’m like, “damn I look good” others, I would be like, “who the hell is that? Aaaaagh!”

Did I change from day to day? That would be quite impressive, but no! It’s totally a head trip… Mental voices from the neocortex, fucking with you.

2 solutions: lobotomy OR… professional photos.

Why the photos? Well, the camera captures reality in a very different way than how we really see it. Based on geometry, lighting, contrast, and truly… mood. The camera doesn’t lie. If we are feeling shy or insecure, the camera will capture it.

Everything on our body gives us away, hands, lips, eyes. If we aren’t feeling it in our body, then we aren’t going to portray that to the camera’s intimidating eye.

Instead, a professional knows how to work with this. They deal with it all the time. They relax you by getting to know you and creating a safe space. As they are shooting, their positive feedback makes you feel good inside so you start to let a little playfulness come out. They prompt you into positions that are maybe a bit risqué and sexy; like touching yourself or biting a lip or even, laughing a big belly laugh… THIS is where the true sexy self comes out. Our brain chemicals start to shift and now we are feeling ourselves confidently. The photographers magical work morphs us from freaked out “OMG I look horrible on camera” to this goddess like seductress playing with the camera like it’s a hot new lover.

By the end of the session, you walk away feeling like you had some sort of love affair with your camera guy but no, it wasn’t a love affair with the camera guy. It was a love affair with YOURSELF.

By the end of it, you’re feeling completely in love with your body and its every movement and everything you thought was a flaw doesn’t even matter anymore because it just feels so good to be in your own skin and feel so damn sexy.

This morning, I was thinking about this process a bit deeper. This was my experience as a woman BUT… could it be similar to how ALL of us as people present ourselves to the whole of the outside world? Are we scared, nervous, uncertain, excited, spontaneous, bold… whatever… are we these things on the inside but hide them from the outside? Are we really presenting our TRUE selves? And if not, how is this fucking us up in our ENTIRE lives?

What is it going to take to be our true selves so we can enjoy every aspect of this short life we’ve got on this beautiful planet? Well, theses photos were a start for me.

How committed are you to using shame to elicit change

My viewpoint on this is that calling out someone for ‘shaming’ is the equivalent of saying they are evil by choice. People are ignorant in a lot of areas about life (ignorant in its original definition, not as an insult). 

In order to change… Rather, enlighten through neutral debate… I like to call out the fallacy of their thinking. Then apply their logic to something they can identify with. 

This seems to set them up for either A) a new set of tools to challenge their conditioned ways of thinking. Or, B) they completely shutdown and back off. The latter isn’t my intention. I’d rather offer a doorway for people to walk thru but some just don’t want to rock their own boats.

 

I recently had a Twitter convo w a guy shaming women for liking sex. his post was:

“@_____: Lmao how could you be a hoe, like how you let multiples [dudes] fuck you and not care?”

I asked what the difference was bt men acting the same way. 

He said he disagreed with women who fuck a lot of men yet, act classy like they don’t fuck a lot of men. 

For clarity, I said, “are you referring to women who aren’t in approval of their sexuality?”

He said yes, 

I said, “maybe it’s Bc they keep being called hoes and other derogatory names by folks who R actually the ones in disapproval.”

He felt that women should either act like their sexual selves or act classy. Women can’t be both. 

I told him that women in this society aren’t accepted by many people if they are openly sexual. They are instead called sluts, hoes, whores so yes, it’s likely that many women are inadvertently feeling guilt in themselves for being sexual. 

I suggested to him that instead of shaming women, he could look at himself and ALL people and realize we are all sexual and we are all fucked up in our own way. And the only cure for that is approval in ourselves. 

Society and media doesn’t make that easy for women. Instead of calling them hoes, he could approve of ALL people being sexual and just safeguard himself from the women that he gets hurt by. (At the end of the day, I believe this is where is animosity stems from: he’s been hurt by a woman). 

He softened up a bit. Yet still parts of him were convicted in his own faulty thinking. 

Then he proceeded to hit on me in a very humble way. Which was kinda cute. I stared his comment and that was the end of that.

As a collective being and social animal, we surely strive hard for singularity. Not realizing that whether it’s in a love relationship or best buds, we actually need people. We need to feel like we belong, we need to feel a part of something bigger. Not just because we feel uncomfortable in our own reality or we need god to feel worthy, but because it’s biological. It’s in our genes to need community, socializing, family. and those boil down to love relationships as well.

Lastnight I was invited to A Human Rights Campaign by a beautiful friend of mine. I found it intense to listen to the stories of those fighting for equality. Just to be seen as human and fighting for that reality, because still, to this day, there are so many people out there that will either reject or accept you based on their own opinions without any interest in realizing that they themselves have plenty to be judged about. But, fuck judging. What blows me away is the manipulation of religion to serve their own blind interests. People they don’t understand are simply an outlet for their own internal rage. and that is bullshit!! Pure bully bullshit. Your god has always said, “do not judge others.” and with violence? What exactly has created these monsters? Maybe I answered my own question….

Anyway, this is a FB group about sex and stuff, so Ill share some juicy bits.

A fucking HOT make out session. where I wanted so much more but I held out because I’m outta control for the feeling of the yearning between the two of us. It’s been too long that yearning has found its place in my life. (apart from my primary, of course). That tension is goddamn sexy, and at some point my body and pussy is going to swallow her up. At full attention, at full consciousness and every part in orgasm.

responsibility

When we are in a relationship, what responsibilities do we take on when we decide to introduce another person into our lives? Do we have responsibilities or is it each for themselves?

When we get into a relationship, what happens to the other person? Is it an assimilation of lives? Or is it like ships passing in the night, convening only when we need to utilize the other person for something?

I believe anyone who says they maintain complete independence in a relationship without any dependency on the other person is actually hiding from a scary place that they will either be abandoned or, they have become comfortable with living their lives devoid of pure love, whether giving or receiving. Surrender.

Love is assimilation. Love making is convergence. Relationships are symbiotic. If I am truly a complete person without any parts empty then I’d never have the urge to be in a relationship in the first place or the urge for connection with others in whatever form.

So why waste another person’s time if you are so complete? If responsibility is such a scary thing then why do we continue to introduce factors into our own life that require responsibility?

Wouldn’t it just be easier to admit that responsibility is too much? Wouldn’t it be easier to admit that love is too difficult to feel?

We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our lovers, to this planet, to all people. We choose how we want to interact with others, we can and DO cause love and we can and DO cause harm. Which do you choose?

Is a relationship an assimilation?

I know there are varying opinions on the thought of ‘you complete me’. But here are my thoughts and I look forward to hearing your… ideas.
________________________________________________________

When we are in a relationship, what responsibilities do we take on when we decide to introduce another person into our lives? Do we have responsibilities or is it each for themselves?

When we get into a relationship, what happens to the other person? Is it an assimilation of lives? Or is it like ships passing in the night, convening only when we need to utilize the other person for something?

I believe anyone who says they maintain complete independence in a relationship without any dependency on the other person is actually hiding from a scary place that they will either be abandoned or, they have become comfortable with living their lives devoid of pure love, whether giving or receiving. Surrender.

Love is assimilation. Love making is convergence. Relationships are symbiotic. If I am truly a complete person without any parts empty then I’d never have the urge to be in a relationship in the first place or the urge for connection with others in whatever form.

So why waste another person’s time if you are so complete? If responsibility is such a scary thing then why do we continue to introduce factors into our own life that require responsibility?

Wouldn’t it just be easier to admit that responsibility is too much? Wouldn’t it be easier to admit that love is too difficult to feel?

We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our lovers, to this planet, to all people. We choose how we want to interact with others, we can and DO cause love and we can and DO cause harm.

I want blissed out, remarkable, connected, immersive, conscious sex. I want sex on level 10. I remember those days, they weren’t too long ago. But now, what has it become? a means to an end? obligatory? Boredom? Someone else more interesting?

What’s the advice someone will inevitably give me? “If you want it, make it happen”. Whoever says that I’m going to choke them, and not in a fun kinky way.

I want someone to fuck me like there’s nothing more important in this world than my body. Make love to me as if time has stopped. Blow my fucking mind.
Someone, something, for the love of god.